Groaners, the forum that will NEVER DIE

[Jean]

There was this chap visiting England and before he left home he'd been told he absolutely MUST visit this particular Tea Shop and try their Koala tea.

As he was visiting London he decided to try this so called liquid delight. After many hours of tramping the streets of Manchester he finally found the Tea shop in a dingy, gloomy back alley in Mersey. With a certain amount of trepidation he pushed open the door and went in sat down and ordered a pot of Koala tea from the waitress (who frankly would not have looked out of place stirring a cauldron).

the tea arrived, he poured a cup and sat back to enjoy.........but what's this there were "bits of stuff" floating in his tea, he called back the waitress "waitress there are lumps in my tea!"

"why yes guv'nor....the koala tea of mersey is not strained............!"


apologies to Will S!

 

[OB]

It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven...

 

[tonmo]

Kat has still got it... in fact, at the sushi restaurant, after a string of puns she proclaimed she's on a "roll". Get it, sushi roll? Yeah, will never die...

 

[Jean]

One day while driving home from his fishing trip in the pouring rain, a man got a flat tire outside a Monastery.

A monk came out and invited him inside to have dinner and spend the night. The motorist accepted. That night he had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips.

He decided to compliment the chef.

Entering the kitchen he asked the cook “are you the fish friar?”

“No,” the man replied, “I'm the chip monk.”

 

[OB]

Ouch....

 

[baldtankman]

Ok one for all the travelers out there ;

I heard that my friend had gone home with ill with swine flu, I tried to ring him but all i got was crackling.....

 

[Jean]

oh well he could be helped with liberal applications of oinkment

 

[monty]

How did the pig get off the roof?

The swine flew!

 

[sorseress]

This is a very appropriately named thread.......

 

[cthulhu77]

It is the only thread that makes your eyes hurt and your brain feel like running out of your ears.

 

[Jean]

It is the only thread that makes your eyes hurt and your brain feel like running out of your ears.

no difference there, then (for me!)

 

[DWhatley]

Ok one for all the travelers out there ;

I heard that my friend had gone home with ill with swine flu, I tried to ring him but all i got was crackling.....

Either I am really dense tonight (quite likely) or there is a translation issue a foot - I don't get it.

 

[Jean]

crackling is the really crispy fat and skin of roast pork or a bad line on the phone!

 

[baldtankman]

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:







COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou..

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office...

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'............

 

[sorseress]

THE ACCIDENT

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens,
> near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather
> deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see
> the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob
> attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes
> into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he
> looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her
> head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has
> to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins
> trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads
> towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches
> the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door.
> Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill , and this is my wife
> Betty . We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously
> hurt. Can I please use your phone?" "I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but
> we don't have a phone.

My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
> Bob brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my
> assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist..
> However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic
> medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor , bring them down to the
> laboratory"
>
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob
> following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses
> from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining
> table.
>
After a brief examination, Igor 's master looks worried. "Things are
> serious, Igor . Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly,
> but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
>
The Hills' deaths upset Igor 's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps
> to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he
> has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting
> melody fills the house.
>
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and
> he notices the fingers on Betty 's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting
> piano music.. Stunned, he watches as Bob 's arm begins to rise, marking the
> beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
>
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
>
He bursts in and shouts to his master:
> >
"Master, Master! ..... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
>