Best "Fish Story" of the Millennium!

Discussion in 'Culture' started by nanoteuthis, Mar 16, 2003.

  1. nanoteuthis

    nanoteuthis Larger Pacific Striped Octopus Supporter

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    No, I didn't make this up -- it's an honest-to-goodness news story that was just forwarded to me under the subject line, "Repent -- Save Your Sole!" (Wish I'd thought of that....) It contains no ceph-y references, but does make one wonder what profound spiritual insights those elusive Archis have been keeping from us all these years:

    WORD IS MADE FLESH AS GOD REVEALS HIMSELF... AS A FISH

    Edward Helmore New York
    Sunday March 16, 2003

    The Observer


    An obscure Jewish sect in New York has been gripped in awe by what it believes to be a mystical visitation by a 20lb carp that was heard shouting in Hebrew, in what many Jews worldwide are hailing as a modern miracle.

    Many of the 7,000-member Skver sect of Hasidim in New Square, 30 miles north of Manhattan, believe God has revealed himself in fish form.

    According to two fish-cutters at the New Square Fish Market, the carp was about to be slaughtered and made into gefilte fish for Sabbath dinner when it suddenly began shouting apocalyptic warnings in Hebrew.

    Many believe the carp was channelling the troubled soul of a revered community elder who recently died; others say it was God. The only witnesses to the mystical show were Zalmen Rosen, a 57-year-old Hasid with 11 children, and his co-worker, Luis Nivelo. They say that on 28 January at 4pm they were about to club the carp on the head when it began yelling.

    Nivelo, a Gentile who does not understand Hebrew, was so shocked at the sight of a fish talking in any language that he fell over. He ran into the front of the store screaming: 'It's the Devil! The Devil is here!' Then the shop owner heard it shouting warnings and commands too.

    'It said "Tzaruch shemirah" and "Hasof bah",' he told the New York Times, 'which essentially means that everyone needs to account for themselves because the end is near.'

    The animated carp commanded Rosen to pray and study the Torah. Rosen tried to kill the fish but injured himself. It was finally butchered by Nivelo and sold.

    However, word spread far and wide and Nivelo complains he has been plagued by phone calls from as far away as London and Israel. The story has since been amplified by repetition and some now believe the fish's outburst was a warning about the dangers of the impending war in Iraq.

    Some say they fear the born-again President Bush believes he is preparing the world for the Second Coming of Christ, and war in Iraq is just the opening salvo in the battle of Armageddon.

    Local resident Abraham Spitz said: 'Two men do not dream the same dream. It is very rare that God reminds people he exists in this modern world. But when he does, you cannot ignore it.'

    Others in New Square discount the apocalyptic reading altogether and suggest the notion of a talking fish is as fictional as Tony Soprano's talking-fish dream in an episode of The Sopranos .

    Stand-up comedians have already incorporated the carp into their comedy routines at weddings. One gefilte company has considered changing it's slogan to: 'Our fish speaks for itself.'

    Still, the shouting carp corresponds with the belief of some Hasidic sects that righteous people can be reincarnated as fish. They say that Nivelo may have been selected because he is not Jewish, but a weary Nivelo told the New York Times : 'I wish I never said anything about it. I'm getting so many calls every day, I've stopped answering. Israel, London, Miami, Brooklyn. They all want to hear about the talking fish.'

    A devout Christian, he still thinks the carp was the Devil. 'I don't believe any of this Jewish stuff. But I heard that fish talk.'

    He's grown tired of the whole thing. 'It's just a big headache for me,' he added. 'I pull my phone out of the wall at night. I don't sleep and I've lost weight.'
    _________________________


    Sounds kinda fishy to me.... :goldfish:

    Transcendental Tani, Resident Mystic
    CABBALA
    (Committee for the Adulation of Benthic Babblers and Aquatic Loquacious Animals)
     
  2. tonmo

    tonmo Titanites Staff Member Webmaster Moderator

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    Maybe it was the incredible Mr. Limpett? :lol:
     
  3. Phil

    Phil Colossal Squid Supporter Registered

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    Perhaps this was the festival of Yom Kipper. Geddit?

    Sorry.
     
  4. nanoteuthis

    nanoteuthis Larger Pacific Striped Octopus Supporter

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    Aaaaarrrgh! I think I'd prefer to Pass Over that remark....
     
  5. corw314

    corw314 Colossal Squid Staff Member Moderator

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    Hmmmmmmm.............

    Carol
     
  6. tonmo

    tonmo Titanites Staff Member Webmaster Moderator

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    Matzah matter? Don't you get it? That's ok, it tuchus a long time to get it, too.

    :roflmao:
     
  7. nanoteuthis

    nanoteuthis Larger Pacific Striped Octopus Supporter

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    Oy vey -- Tony, I believe it's time to put a lox on this topic!
     
  8. WhiteKiboko

    WhiteKiboko Colossal Squid Supporter Registered

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    you guys just cant resist can you?
     
  9. nanoteuthis

    nanoteuthis Larger Pacific Striped Octopus Supporter

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    Overheard in cyberspace, re this topic:

    Showoff Teuthochick Who Knows a Little Latin:

    Hmmm, makes you wonder what's next: Elvis in escarole? Jimmy Hoffa in Jello? Amelia Earhart in alphabet soup? Judge Crater in a crèpe? The possibilities are endless.

    Remember the good old days when a food "disagreed" with you and you didn't have to engage it in a theological debate?

    O Tempora! O Mores!

    Showoff Teuthochick's Showoff Theologian Friend Who Knows a Whole Lot of Latin:

    Shouldn't that be: "O Tempura! O Morays!"

    No comment necessary....
     
  10. tonmo

    tonmo Titanites Staff Member Webmaster Moderator

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    :tomato:
     
  11. WhiteKiboko

    WhiteKiboko Colossal Squid Supporter Registered

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    Remember the good old days when a food "disagreed" with you and you didn't have to engage it in a theological debate?


    i dont know which is worse, having a theological debate with it or having it tell you youre a lousy storyteller... :)
     
  12. nanoteuthis

    nanoteuthis Larger Pacific Striped Octopus Supporter

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    :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:
    :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:
    :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:
    :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:

    So that's why you were threatening poor little Acid with those chopsticks!

    :rainbow: :octopus:
     
  13. Tintenfisch

    Tintenfisch Architeuthis Staff Member Moderator

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    That was truly, truly priceless.
    I'm sure if I'd been there, it would have scared the carp out of me, though. Might have even made a puddle on the carpet...
    Oh well - carpe diem!

    :roll:
     
  14. nanoteuthis

    nanoteuthis Larger Pacific Striped Octopus Supporter

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    Koi vey! I don't want to carp about it, but it sounds to me like a tall tail. After all, why would a fish speak Hebrew when it was obviously Finnish?

    :tomato: :tomato: :tomato: :tomato: :tomato: :tomato: :tomato: :tomato:
    (Mother Of All Pre-emptive Self Tomato'ings)
     
  15. Tintenfisch

    Tintenfisch Architeuthis Staff Member Moderator

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    You just never know what goes through a fish's mind when it's on the scales... about to go through judgement and all... gillty? Innocent enough to get off the hook? Would talking Hebrew help you worm your way out of this one? Or were you destined to be caudal along? :shock:

    Or maybe those guys were just sell-fish enough to want all the press. :twisted:
     
  16. tonmo

    tonmo Titanites Staff Member Webmaster Moderator

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    OK, I just did the right thing and moved this discussion to the Cephalofun forum.

    Also, in a late development, the origin of this fish has been determined further. Here's the full story.
     
  17. WhiteKiboko

    WhiteKiboko Colossal Squid Supporter Registered

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    isnt it reassuring that we can hijack a news story about almost anything? of course some jokes were better than others, and better than anything i could think of... maybe its just me, but shouldnt this just be in a 'fun' forum instead of 'cephalofun'? unless of course the future dinner started warning people about the trickery of the devilfish....
     
  18. nanoteuthis

    nanoteuthis Larger Pacific Striped Octopus Supporter

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    Kiboko and Tintenfisch:

    :tomato: :tomato: :tomato: :tomato:

    You have both been officially tomatoed and temporarily banished to the dreaded Dosidicus gigas Jacuzzi, where you shall remain until the Humboldts get bored and throw you out.

    Tony:

    I don't believe that Big Mouth Billy Bass had anything to do with the New Square incident. It was recently revealed that the prophetic creature was not a Carp at all, but a Bluefish. And while Billy Bass is funny, it definitely doesn't look Bluish!

    :heee:
     
  19. WhiteKiboko

    WhiteKiboko Colossal Squid Supporter Registered

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    oooooOOOOO!!! Jacuzzi!!! things are looking up for me.... a bluefish eh? no wonder he was speaking hebrew... hes into the old testament with all the smiting, razing and turning women into large amounts of condiment/spice.... blues are vicious critters....
     
  20. nanoteuthis

    nanoteuthis Larger Pacific Striped Octopus Supporter

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    Fascinating -- I don't doubt that Bluefish are short-tempered, but i never knew they could turn women into pillars of tartar sauce.

    You are apparently thinking of how Jacuzzis are commonly used at spas and resorts. Ah, but this is no ordinary Jacuzzi! It is our Official Virtual Hot Tub of Doom, filled with a dozen hungry, pissed-off, attitudinal Humboldt Squiddies that make Bluefish look like Geoduck Clams. (I have no idea what that means, but it sure sounds ominous :alarm: ) We usually employ this Jacuzzi to discipline Steve-O' when he gets too uppity on this Message Board, but there's room enough for two or three more TONMOers if we determine that they have misbehaved and need a time out (or if we just feel like picking on them). So, beware.... MWAHAHAHAHAAAA!

    Incidentally, you are taking a big risk by leaving Acid so near to that glass of brewski.... remember what happened to him the last time? I strongly suggest that you get another tentacled Beanie and make him the Designated Cephalopod. (See my joke about the 8 shots of bourbon in the Immortalized Groaners thread.)

    Tani Banani, Shameless Self-Promoter
     

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