- Joined
- Nov 19, 2002
- Messages
- 3,031
The Dead Architeuthis Sketch
A customer enters a pet shop with a squid in a tank on a trolley.
Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
C: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
C: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
O: We're closin' for lunch.
C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this Architeuthis what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
O: Oh yes, the, uh, the New Zealand Pink...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
C: Look, matey, I know a dead squid when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable squid, the New Zealand Pink, idn'it, ay? Beautiful seizing tentacles!
C: The tentacles don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!
(shouting at the tank)
'Ello, Mister Pretty Polyp! I've got a lovely fresh Patagonian Toothfish for you if you show...(owner hits the tank)
O: There, he moved!
C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the tank!
O: I never!!
C: Yes, you did!
O: I never, never did anything...
C: (yelling and hitting the tank repeatedly) 'ELLO POLYP!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes a tentacle out of the tank and thumps its on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
C: Now that's what I call a dead squid.
O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
C: STUNNED?!?
O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! New Zealand Pinks stun easily, major.
C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That Architeuthis is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged convolution of the mantle.
O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the abyssal trenches.
C: PININ' for the ABYSSAL TRENCHES?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he sink onto his back the moment I got 'im home?
O: The New Zealand Pink prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable squid, id'nit, squire? Lovely statoliths!
C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that squid when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been suspended in the water in the first place was that it had been TIED there.
(pause)
O: Well, o'course it was tied there! If I hadn't tied that squid down down, it would have squeezed up to the sides of the tank, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this squid wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
O: No no! 'E's pining!
C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This squid is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't suspended ‘im in the water 'e'd be pushing up the plankton! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's out of the water column! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-ARCHITEUTHIS!!
(pause)
O: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
O: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of Architeuthis.
C: I see. I see, I get the picture.
O: I got a bimac.
(pause)
C: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it attract media interest?
O: Nnnnot really.
C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
O: Look, if you go to my brother's aquarium in Monterey Bay, he'll replace the squid for you.
C: Monterey Bay, eh? Very well.
The customer leaves.
The customer enters the same pet shop. The owner is putting on a false moustache.
C: This is Monterey Bay, is it?
O: (with a fake moustache) No, it's Ipswich.
C: (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for you.
Sergeant-Major: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly...
A customer enters a pet shop with a squid in a tank on a trolley.
Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
C: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
C: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
O: We're closin' for lunch.
C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this Architeuthis what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
O: Oh yes, the, uh, the New Zealand Pink...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
C: Look, matey, I know a dead squid when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable squid, the New Zealand Pink, idn'it, ay? Beautiful seizing tentacles!
C: The tentacles don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!
(shouting at the tank)
'Ello, Mister Pretty Polyp! I've got a lovely fresh Patagonian Toothfish for you if you show...(owner hits the tank)
O: There, he moved!
C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the tank!
O: I never!!
C: Yes, you did!
O: I never, never did anything...
C: (yelling and hitting the tank repeatedly) 'ELLO POLYP!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes a tentacle out of the tank and thumps its on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
C: Now that's what I call a dead squid.
O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
C: STUNNED?!?
O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! New Zealand Pinks stun easily, major.
C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That Architeuthis is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged convolution of the mantle.
O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the abyssal trenches.
C: PININ' for the ABYSSAL TRENCHES?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he sink onto his back the moment I got 'im home?
O: The New Zealand Pink prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable squid, id'nit, squire? Lovely statoliths!
C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that squid when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been suspended in the water in the first place was that it had been TIED there.
(pause)
O: Well, o'course it was tied there! If I hadn't tied that squid down down, it would have squeezed up to the sides of the tank, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this squid wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
O: No no! 'E's pining!
C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This squid is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't suspended ‘im in the water 'e'd be pushing up the plankton! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's out of the water column! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-ARCHITEUTHIS!!
(pause)
O: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
O: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of Architeuthis.
C: I see. I see, I get the picture.
O: I got a bimac.
(pause)
C: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it attract media interest?
O: Nnnnot really.
C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
O: Look, if you go to my brother's aquarium in Monterey Bay, he'll replace the squid for you.
C: Monterey Bay, eh? Very well.
The customer leaves.
The customer enters the same pet shop. The owner is putting on a false moustache.
C: This is Monterey Bay, is it?
O: (with a fake moustache) No, it's Ipswich.
C: (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for you.
Sergeant-Major: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly...