No, I didn't make this up -- it's an honest-to-goodness news story that was just forwarded to me under the subject line, "Repent -- Save Your Sole!" (Wish I'd thought of that....) It contains no ceph-y references, but does make one wonder what profound spiritual insights those elusive Archis have been keeping from us all these years:

WORD IS MADE FLESH AS GOD REVEALS HIMSELF... AS A FISH

Edward Helmore New York
Sunday March 16, 2003

The Observer

An obscure Jewish sect in New York has been gripped in awe by what it believes to be a mystical visitation by a 20lb carp that was heard shouting in Hebrew, in what many Jews worldwide are hailing as a modern miracle.

Many of the 7,000-member Skver sect of Hasidim in New Square, 30 miles north of Manhattan, believe God has revealed himself in fish form.

According to two fish-cutters at the New Square Fish Market, the carp was about to be slaughtered and made into gefilte fish for Sabbath dinner when it suddenly began shouting apocalyptic warnings in Hebrew.

Many believe the carp was channelling the troubled soul of a revered community elder who recently died; others say it was God. The only witnesses to the mystical show were Zalmen Rosen, a 57-year-old Hasid with 11 children, and his co-worker, Luis Nivelo. They say that on 28 January at 4pm they were about to club the carp on the head when it began yelling.

Nivelo, a Gentile who does not understand Hebrew, was so shocked at the sight of a fish talking in any language that he fell over. He ran into the front of the store screaming: 'It's the Devil! The Devil is here!' Then the shop owner heard it shouting warnings and commands too.

'It said "Tzaruch shemirah" and "Hasof bah",' he told the New York Times, 'which essentially means that everyone needs to account for themselves because the end is near.'

The animated carp commanded Rosen to pray and study the Torah. Rosen tried to kill the fish but injured himself. It was finally butchered by Nivelo and sold.

However, word spread far and wide and Nivelo complains he has been plagued by phone calls from as far away as London and Israel. The story has since been amplified by repetition and some now believe the fish's outburst was a warning about the dangers of the impending war in Iraq.

Some say they fear the born-again President Bush believes he is preparing the world for the Second Coming of Christ, and war in Iraq is just the opening salvo in the battle of Armageddon.

Local resident Abraham Spitz said: 'Two men do not dream the same dream. It is very rare that God reminds people he exists in this modern world. But when he does, you cannot ignore it.'

Others in New Square discount the apocalyptic reading altogether and suggest the notion of a talking fish is as fictional as Tony Soprano's talking-fish dream in an episode of The Sopranos .

Stand-up comedians have already incorporated the carp into their comedy routines at weddings. One gefilte company has considered changing it's slogan to: 'Our fish speaks for itself.'

Still, the shouting carp corresponds with the belief of some Hasidic sects that righteous people can be reincarnated as fish. They say that Nivelo may have been selected because he is not Jewish, but a weary Nivelo told the New York Times : 'I wish I never said anything about it. I'm getting so many calls every day, I've stopped answering. Israel, London, Miami, Brooklyn. They all want to hear about the talking fish.'

A devout Christian, he still thinks the carp was the Devil. 'I don't believe any of this Jewish stuff. But I heard that fish talk.'

He's grown tired of the whole thing. 'It's just a big headache for me,' he added. 'I pull my phone out of the wall at night. I don't sleep and I've lost weight.'
_________________________

Sounds kinda fishy to me.... :goldfish:

Transcendental Tani, Resident Mystic
CABBALA
(Committee for the Adulation of Benthic Babblers and Aquatic Loquacious Animals)

Maybe it was the incredible Mr. Limpett? :lol:

Perhaps this was the festival of Yom Kipper. Geddit?

Sorry.

Perhaps this was the festival of Yom Kipper. Geddit?

Sorry.

Aaaaarrrgh! I think I'd prefer to Pass Over that remark....

Hmmmmmmm.............

Carol

Hmmmmmmm.............
Matzah matter? Don't you get it? That's ok, it tuchus a long time to get it, too.

:roflmao:

Oy vey -- Tony, I believe it's time to put a lox on this topic!

you guys just cant resist can you?

Overheard in cyberspace, re this topic:

Showoff Teuthochick Who Knows a Little Latin:

Hmmm, makes you wonder what's next: Elvis in escarole? Jimmy Hoffa in Jello? Amelia Earhart in alphabet soup? Judge Crater in a crèpe? The possibilities are endless.

Remember the good old days when a food "disagreed" with you and you didn't have to engage it in a theological debate?

O Tempora! O Mores!

Showoff Teuthochick's Showoff Theologian Friend Who Knows a Whole Lot of Latin:

Shouldn't that be: "O Tempura! O Morays!"

No comment necessary....

No comment necessary....
:tomato:

Remember the good old days when a food "disagreed" with you and you didn't have to engage it in a theological debate?


i dont know which is worse, having a theological debate with it or having it tell you youre a lousy storyteller... :)

Remember the good old days when a food "disagreed" with you and you didn't have to engage it in a theological debate?


i dont know which is worse, having a theological debate with it or having it tell you youre a lousy storyteller... :)

:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:
:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:
:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:
:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:

So that's why you were threatening poor little Acid with those chopsticks!

:rainbow: :octopus:

That was truly, truly priceless.
I'm sure if I'd been there, it would have scared the carp out of me, though. Might have even made a puddle on the carpet...
Oh well - carpe diem!

:roll:

I'm sure if I'd been there, it would have scared the carp out of me, though. Might have even made a puddle on the carpet...
Oh well - carpe diem!

:roll:

Koi vey! I don't want to carp about it, but it sounds to me like a tall tail. After all, why would a fish speak Hebrew when it was obviously Finnish?

:tomato: :tomato: :tomato: :tomato: :tomato: :tomato: :tomato: :tomato:
(Mother Of All Pre-emptive Self Tomato'ings)

You just never know what goes through a fish's mind when it's on the scales... about to go through judgement and all... gillty? Innocent enough to get off the hook? Would talking Hebrew help you worm your way out of this one? Or were you destined to be caudal along? :shock:

Or maybe those guys were just sell-fish enough to want all the press. :twisted:

OK, I just did the right thing and moved this discussion to the Cephalofun forum.

Also, in a late development, the origin of this fish has been determined further. Here's the full story (http://www.howstuffworks.com/singing-fish.htm).

isnt it reassuring that we can hijack a news story about almost anything? of course some jokes were better than others, and better than anything i could think of... maybe its just me, but shouldnt this just be in a 'fun' forum instead of 'cephalofun'? unless of course the future dinner started warning people about the trickery of the devilfish....

Kiboko and Tintenfisch:

:tomato: :tomato: :tomato: :tomato:

You have both been officially tomatoed and temporarily banished to the dreaded Dosidicus gigas Jacuzzi, where you shall remain until the Humboldts get bored and throw you out.

Tony:

I don't believe that Big Mouth Billy Bass had anything to do with the New Square incident. It was recently revealed that the prophetic creature was not a Carp at all, but a Bluefish. And while Billy Bass is funny, it definitely doesn't look Bluish!

:heee:

oooooOOOOO!!! Jacuzzi!!! things are looking up for me.... a bluefish eh? no wonder he was speaking hebrew... hes into the old testament with all the smiting, razing and turning women into large amounts of condiment/spice.... blues are vicious critters....

oooooOOOOO!!! Jacuzzi!!! things are looking up for me.... a bluefish eh? no wonder he was speaking hebrew... hes into the old testament with all the smiting, razing and turning women into large amounts of condiment/spice.... blues are vicious critters....

Fascinating -- I don't doubt that Bluefish are short-tempered, but i never knew they could turn women into pillars of tartar sauce.

You are apparently thinking of how Jacuzzis are commonly used at spas and resorts. Ah, but this is no ordinary Jacuzzi! It is our Official Virtual Hot Tub of Doom, filled with a dozen hungry, pissed-off, attitudinal Humboldt Squiddies that make Bluefish look like Geoduck Clams. (I have no idea what that means, but it sure sounds ominous :alarm: ) We usually employ this Jacuzzi to discipline Steve-O' when he gets too uppity on this Message Board, but there's room enough for two or three more TONMOers if we determine that they have misbehaved and need a time out (or if we just feel like picking on them). So, beware.... MWAHAHAHAHAAAA!

Incidentally, you are taking a big risk by leaving Acid so near to that glass of brewski.... remember what happened to him the last time? I strongly suggest that you get another tentacled Beanie and make him the Designated Cephalopod. (See my joke about the 8 shots of bourbon in the Immortalized Groaners thread.)

Tani Banani, Shameless Self-Promoter

We usually employ this Jacuzzi to discipline Steve-O' when he gets too uppity on this Message Board

The omnipresent Steve-O is watching you Tani :wink: (anyone got a towel?).

The omnipresent Steve-O is watching you Tani :wink: (anyone got a towel?).

Uh-oh, I'm in deep ink now.... [runs off to hide on the "Myth, Legend, and Symbolism" thread]

Fascinating -- I don't doubt that Bluefish are short-tempered, but i never knew they could turn women into pillars of tartar sauce.


:) ok, so its a little hard to classify salt... normally i would say it could be lumped in with spices (kinda) but i use it enough in my cooking, its become more of a condiment for me... (hard to explain) as for the jacuzzi, i just hope its big enough for me to stretch out my legs... as for the humboldts, are they just that ugly, or mean too? maybe i better bring those brass tentacles....

as for the jacuzzi, i just hope its big enough for me to stretch out my legs... as for the humboldts, are they just that ugly, or mean too? maybe i better bring those brass tentacles....

Since the Infamous Jacuzzi of Doom exists in cyberspace, it is unencumbered by the laws of physics and therefore can accommodate an unlimited number of wayward TONMOers and/or squid. Kinda like Dr. Who's "TARDIS", or a Möbius strip, or that poiuyt thingy they used to have in MAD Magazine.

IMHO Humboldts have very soulful eyes, so they're not that ugly. The jury is still out on whether they're mean or just inquisitive; the problem is that there's a fine line between groping and mauling (as any female who's been to a fraternity party can attest to). One documentary I saw portrayed them as herds of ravenous, aggressive monsters who will tear their living prey to pieces given the opportunity. And that's just the frat guys! The same is often said about Humboldts.

On the other hand, in an episode of ANIMAL PLANET's "Ultimate Animals" show, host Steve Leonard (Leonard, Irwin, O'Shea -- ever notice how many Antipodean naturalists are named Steve?) went on a nighttime dive to find out the truth about Humboldt squid. Shortly after he descended with his underwater lights on, a gang of Humboldts converged on him and started patting him down like airline security guards. At first he was terrified, but within a short time realized that they were just curious about his lights. He finally extricated himself from their grasp and got back to the boat, a little shaken but completely unharmed.

So I really don't know why Dosidicus gigas pay so much attention to us -- positive or negative. Maybe they see us as competitors for their food supply. Maybe they're just naturally inquisitive about other living things. Maybe we look attractive to them (I've read some articles about dolphins along these lines, but I'd better not go there.... :oops:)

In any case, just to be sure, the next time you dive into Humboldt territory take those brass tentacles with you -- along with a bottle of champagne, a dozen roses, and a box of imported bonbons (hey, ya never know!)
:heart: :glass: :heart: :wine: :heart: :squid: :heart: :snorkel: :heart:

:wink:
Me

On the other hand, in an episode of ANIMAL PLANET's "Ultimate Animals" show, host Steve Leonard (Leonard, Irwin, O'Shea -- ever notice how many Antipodean naturalists are named Steve?)

In any case, just to be sure, the next time you dive into Humboldt territory take those brass tentacles with you -- along with a bottle of champagne, a dozen roses, and a box of imported bonbons (hey, ya never know!)
:heart: :glass: :heart: :wine: :heart: :squid: :heart: :snorkel: :heart:

:wink:
Me

i think the tv people like the accent and have an easier time marketing them if they can easily remember the name, hence the same name.... as for the gigas, i dont think dont think i need to have any infatuated molluscs groping me.....thats not what i mean when i say im an cephalopodaphile... although, maybe i could be friendly... do the humboldts have that ammonia bouyancy thing going on? if not... :twisted:

there's a fine line between groping and mauling (as any female who's been to a fraternity party can attest to). One documentary I saw portrayed them as herds of ravenous, aggressive monsters who will tear their living prey to pieces given the opportunity. And that's just the frat guys! The same is often said about Humboldts.


OMG

You go, Tani! :roflmao:

no need to alienate the guys on that topic.... i hate getting groped at frat parties too... :) .. of course when youre almost a head taller than everyone else and a guy, it happens extremely rarely, but still quite an annoyance...afterall, that is why the great Cthulhu gave us the concept of "smash and slash" ( if you dont know what this is, go to a really sketchy dive on a saturday night and wait about 5min).....